Solutions: Enhancing Love, Sex, and Relationships by Leslie Cameron-BandlerThe process below is from Leslie Cameron-Bandler, one of NLP’s early Developers. Leslie was particularly exquisite at using her liveliness and warmth to elicit powerful responses in clients. This was partly as a result of her deep trance identification with Virginia Satir who was one of the most effective therapists who ever lived.

This process is excerpted from Leslie’s classic book, Solutions: practical and effective antidotes for sexual and relationship problems, with minor editing of the exercise outline. Like any other NLP process, it is only a recipe for a useful experience. A recipe alone doesn’t nourish, but if you take the time to find and use the right ingredients, the result of using the recipe will be delicious. Enjoy.

Steve & Connirae Andreas

Looking at Yourself through the Eyes of Someone Who Loves You
Leslie Cameron-Bandler

The Process
Imagine, for the time being, that you are an author. You are writing a book in which you, yourself, are a character along with many of the people who have played parts in making your life what it is today.

It is time for you to identify someone in your life who you know loves you. It is not important that you love them, but critically important that you know that he or she loves you. Search through the people in your life until you have found such a person, someone you know loves you.

You are sitting at a desk or table filled with a computer, papers, pen, etc. Across from you are windows, or perhaps sliding glass doors, looking out to the outside. There, occupied in some endeavor of their own, is that special someone who you know loves you. It has come to that time in the book you are writing to describe this very character. You sit back, looking at them, musing to yourself as you let the possibilities form of how to describe this person in words — how to capture and express in words that which makes them unique, the words which would allow a reader to see them as you do. So you describe to yourself the idiosyncratic gestures, words, looks, and behaviors that make this person who they are: their humor, passion, intellect, foolishness, blind spots, strengths and weaknesses; the small and the global that coalesce into making that person unique in all the world. You listen to your own description, feeling the feelings that come and move through you as you are watching them on the other side of the glass.

As your description draws to a close, you quietly change positions and perceptions. You float out of your place there at the desk, and you float outside and enter into the person on the other side of the glass — becoming that person who loves you. From there, your eyes look up from the activity in which you have been so engrossed, and you see yourself sitting there working on a book. You see yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you; seeing for the first time what someone who loves you sees as they look at you. Listening closely, you hear your own gestures, words, and looks described by someone who loves you. Seeing yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you, you recognize qualities and attributes which were unknown, or perhaps viewed as faults by your own eyes. Viewing yourself through the thoughts, perceptions, and memories of someone who loves you, you find yourself to be someone to love — someone who enriches another by the simple act of being yourself. You hear and see what it is about you this person cherishes. Holding close all that is worth knowing, you slowly come back into your own being, remembering who you are to someone who loves you.

This technique is a special form of dissociation. It brings someone outside of themselves while influencing their perception of self. It has been universally useful for developing appropriate criteria for self-evaluation, and particularly appropriate in dealing with states of depression, loneliness, and self-deprecation. It also has been consistently powerful in use with couples. It provides each person with a means to internally generate the experience of being loved, alleviating the perpetual necessity for external verification from their loved one — something which often drags a relationship down. It is also useful for creating an internal state of feeling lovable from which an individual naturally expresses more loving and relationship-enhancing behaviors.

This is a technique to use with yourself and to use with others. Be sure to attend closely to your client’s responses as you go through the process with someone else.

[Note from the Andreases: The original instructions were written to use with a client; we have changed it to make it easier for you to use it yourself. You can either review all the steps and close your eyes and do the whole process without interruption, or open your eyes after completing each step and read the instructions for the next step before closing your eyes again to do the next step.]

1. Close your eyes and establish the experience of being an author who is going to write about someone special.

2. Identify someone you know loves you. If there is no one in your life presently, orient yourself to a time in the past when there was someone you were sure loved you. If you think there never was such a person, imagine what such a person would be like….

3. You are sitting looking out the window, or through a sliding glass door, at this person who loves you.

4. Take some time to describe to yourself the essential charac¬teristics, large and small, that you realize makes that person special to you….

5. Now float out of the position you have been in, and into the body of the person who loves you, looking back at yourself….

6. Take some time to describe to yourself what you love about the person you see. Especially notice all the qualities that person might be unaware of when looking through their own eyes….

7. Leave that loving person’s body and float back into your own body, bringing along that which is valuable — feeling loved and lovable.

We hope you enjoy using this process, an excerpt from the book, Solutions, by Leslie Cameron-Bandler, © 1985 Real People Press.